It seems GGP are having trouble finding a new CEO, so I will try...

It seems GGP are having trouble finding a new CEO, so I will try to help by composing an ad:


New CEO wanted:
Skills
1. Ability to raise capital by diluting shareholders
2. Ability to promote company
3. Ability to pay someone to drill holes in the ground
4. Ability to defend your position from disgruntled shareholders.

1. Ability to raise capital by diluting shareholders

You can do this by offering rights issues at a discount to market prices. If this fails, turn to toxic, death spiral type funding. Don’t forget to issue yourself a fat juicy fee for facilitating the capital raising.

2. Ability to promote company

• Pay people to write positive things about the company. This includes brokers, posters on social media etc. Maybe you can even get your wife to chip in with a few positive posts on hot copper.
• Make grand promises which you have no chance to keep, such as 100 wells, cash flow positive etc.
• Be creative with announcements. If a well produces one cup of oil in the space of 10 seconds, you can extrapolate this to be 400 barrels per day.
If the next well produces one and a half cups of oil in ten seconds then you can say that it is even better then the first well. Also tell the market that the project is now 4 times bigger then expected, but don’t mention that your expectations were really low to begin with. Technically you are not wrong.
• Don’t bother with unimportant negative information such as legal issues, intervals you don’t own, lease expiry dates. Only mention these things further down the track when all hope is already lost.
• Always dangle a carrot in front of shareholders so that they have something to look forward to. Promise imminent JV deals. Tell them the wells will start producing properly as soon as a minor technical work over is completed. This one works great because it gives shareholders hope and at the same time it gives you an excuse to raise more capital.

3. Ability to pay someone to drill holes in the ground

This is the easy part of your job. You can either pay a contractor to drill a well or pay for a 5% stake in a project that some other company is managing. The only skill required is the ability to transfer shareholder funds into the account of whoever is doing the work.

4. Ability to defend your position from disgruntled shareholders.

This is the hardest part of your job, so you must really pull the finger out.
Use every trick in the book when the disgruntled shareholders try to go against you.
This includes:
• Stack the board in your favor by hiring idle directors loyal to you.
• Issue cheap shares to friendly entities just before crucial AGM votes.
• If an AGM resolution gets voted down, change it on the fly and submit it for vote again. Keep on doing this until it gets passed.
• Use shareholder funds to insure yourself against being sued. At the same time, use shareholder funds to sue anyone who says anything negative about you. On second thoughts, don’t spend any money on suing others, you’ll need it to cover your salary.