whats it like watching cancer?, page-7

alt.support.grief.pet-loss2002-05-13 From: bonkers
Subject: Elvisrocks (Carol) HamletHe was the dearest most precious dog my very best friend
View: Complete Thread (2 articles)
Original Format
Newsgroups: alt.support.grief.pet-loss
Date: 2002-05-13 02:20:59 PST


"elvisrocks" wrote in message news:...
> Hi
> I am so sorry to hear about your dog. Everybody here knows what you
> are going through right now but that doesn't make it any easier, I know.
> My cats are my kids - I never experienced such grief as when my Randall died
> in Dec. 2000. He was my wonderful friend - the "best cat ever"...I still
> miss him so but you will get through this & it does get easier. Ignore
> anyone, no matter who it is, if they don't understand the depth of your
> grief and whatever means you choose to get through this. You will be in
> my thoughts & prayers. I know your doggie is at Rainbow bridge watching
> over you. Take care, Carol
>
>
> "bonkers" wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> > Ive been reading everyones posts this morning and finding out how
> > other people have been coping----I can only add it is the mosts
> > devastating experience--short of my first dog dying 20 years ago and
> > my mother dying 4 years ago.
> > I posted before but I don't know if it has managed show---so I'm just
> > jotting some thoughts down.
> > I love him with all my heart as I did my first dog---I don't regard
> > them as rivals for affection---they were both different breeds---and
> > totally different to look at physically---but they both had the same
> > funny things I loved.
> > I still think of my first best friend 20 years later-I read another
> > post where someone said they still think of their pet after a long
> > time---but now it is not so much with sadness---but more
> > spiritually-that is how I think of my first dog--in fact with my best
> > friend just passing--often when walking I used to tell him of my
> > previous best friend and how they would one day meet in Heaven--and
> > that dad would be up there one day when it was his turn to see them
> > both.
> > Ive cried and cried all weekend, rung people---I regarded my dog as
> > human and many non dog owners that I rang don't understand that and
> > they tend to trivalise--I find----he mean't as much to me as my own
> > mother-I wept when my mother died I am now weeping for him----my tears
> > flow freely----the sadness is overwhelming-I would think it will be
> > (judging the way I feel) at least 6 to 12 months before I can begin to
> > think happy thoughts of him in Heaven---I'll be walking the streets
> > and the parks where I used to take him thinking of him, like he is
> > still alive----a couple of nights running Ive gone to areas we used to
> > go to--and have yelled out his name at the top of my lungs--and how I
> > wouldn't give all the money in the world to see him running towards
> > me--and then that just makes me cry more when I don't see him.
> > He went into an operation that he never came out of--I'm glad I saw
> > him before he went under surgery and I'm glad I hugged and kissed
> > him--and told him how much his dad loved him-I think he understood me.
> > I didn't even want to leave him--but I knew I had to--and kept turning
> > around and saying goodbye again--eventually I sat on the floor
> > crosslegged with him and just simply said over and over again how much
> > I loved him.
> > We had the best times together over nearly 7 years---I split up from
> > my ex partnet (defacto relationship) we bought him as a twelve week
> > old pup--the split up was very emotionally destroying for me (my ex
> > left me I didn't leave her) there were times when I nearly had a
> > nervous breakdown and I very lonely very frightened---many lonely
> > nights---he comforted me---without him I would have lost it--we went
> > for long walks at night as well as day we had many conversations, he
> > helped me through all of it.
> > All the best to people experiencing the same grief--I'm not much of a
> > writer--I'm sure though everyone can recognise the same pain.
> >

Thankyou for your thoughts Carol---much appreciated--still
heartbroken, below are some words written at an American site in the
early hours of yesteday morning.---thankyou once again---Steve.
http://www.aplb.org/frameset4.htm
-------------------------------------------------
He was the dearest most precious dog, I did not in common with many
others even regard him as a dog, he was very human and he was the
following things to me---my best friend, my son (I was his father) my
confidante, my social outlet through whom I met others, I was his
protector and he was also mine, for seven years wherever I went he
went, if I sat down he sat down, if I went to the door he followed me,
when arriving home from work he was always there to greet me and when
I was leaving he always wanted to go to work with me (I even took him
in once to show him off) we went on thousands of walks together,
thousands of adventures, I talked with him for the entire time, I used
a certain type of language I even developed to relate to Hamlet and he
knew all my moods off by heart, he knew every single thing about me
and I knew everything about him. He was the biggest sook out, very
friendly towards other people, also a childrens dog, he loved children
and they were sometimes frightened of him for he was such a big dog,
but all he did was show them great affection, he never once bit
anyone, he was totally good natured, on a training level he did have
seperation anxiety when I wasn't around, other than that he was fine.
We bought him as a twelve week old pup, a relative of my ex partner
(lived in a defacto relationship for 8 years) had lost her dog and
Anne (my ex) offered to go out and find another German Shepherd to
replace the one she had lost. I was originally against the idea, for
we were living in rented accomodation at the time and pets were not
allowed and I had a feeling in the back of my head that we might fall
head over heels with buying a dog for another and then keeping him
overnight before taking him around to Duckies (nickname) (Anne's
cousin) place. We answered an ad in the back of the paper, they
weren't licensed breeders and I just think that they were in it simply
for money and had no emotional or other thoughts, for when they
brought out Hamlet, he was already 12 weeks old and they had not
exercised him properly, so he had what appeared to be something wrong
with his back legs, he couldn't quite walk properly instantly I felt
all my compassion reach out, he was the most wonderful and joyous
sight to behold to me, fell in love straight away.
The breeders increased the price from 150 dollars to 200 dollars-----I
got out a wad of mere money and gave them what they wanted and I was
handed the yet un-named Hamlet. I kissed him on the snooter straight
away, Anne fell in love too and we hurried out to the car with him and
drove home. Hamlet however was mean't for Ducky, but because Ducky was
working all weekend (nurse) we had to hold him overnight.
I put him on a bed in front of the tv which at that time was showing
Shakespeares Hamlet and he took a real interest in the film--so Anne
said you like Shakespeare why don't you call him Hamlet, so we did on
behalf of Ducky, the next morning when it was time to take him around
to Duckies place I said to Anne we just have to keep him---I don't
know what we are going to tell Ducky (for we had already told her we
had obtained a dog for her)--to cut a long story short off we wnet
again and from an entirely different place in Sydney bought another
dog for Ducky without telling her (so as not to hurt her feelings)
that the first dog we had was actually mean't for her---not the second
dog (their dog who's name is Carwon is still very healthy and living
at this minute--7 years later) after arriving back from her place I
really revelled in getting to know Hamlet, played with him as you do
with a pup (he was as stated quite a big pup being 12 weeks old) (a
big woose) he was very frightened and unsure of his new surroundings
as I feel in my mind that he is now since passing away. He got down
off the bed and half ran (he had the problem with his back legs)
outside the back door and underneath the car, so I had to crawl
underneath the car in the end to get him out (poor little fella) over
the weeks that followed I taught him how to walk (thats all it was I
don't think the breeders had exercised him properly) for the first
week or so he refused to walk--so I carried him in my arms---then I
got a lead and just gently tugged on it as we walked down the
footpath--till he eventually got the idea about what to do. From the
above beginnings he reshaped Anne and I's life---we moved to other
rented accomodation that did allow pets, then we realised with Hamlet
being the inspiring factor we needed home ownership with a big
backyard and plenty of nature, so it wasn't long thanks to Hamlet that
we had saved a deposit and we shifted from there to a place just
recently sold, it was located close to a national park and the beach
south of Sydney and out the back had a council reserve and to the rear
of that again a special dog exercising area (also for horses) he loved
every year there, we had a weatherboard house on brick pylons elevated
off the ground, he made his own special places there, any bones he had
he buried under the house, he had the full run of the premises, when
we slept at night we bought him a big cushioned mat and he slept at
the foot of out bed, every morning he used to either try to wake me up
or Anne up early---he'd nudge his nose on your cheek or place his head
heavily on the side of the bed so you just couldn't fail to be
woken---if he couldn't get me up, he would go around the other side of
the bed to wake Anne up lol. Don't ask me why (for it is very involved
an would take even a longer email than this one) for one reason or
another (initally for the first few years we were very happy) Anne and
myself developed some relationship problems and we ended up
seperating, I continued on in the house for awhile with Hamlet after
she left and he was during this time the "Rock of Gilbralta" for me,
many lonely nights where he comforted me (the pain I felt then was
very similar to the pain I'm feeling now) (he also helped me out when
my mother died in 1998) as I'm learning quicktime now he shielded me
from a lot of internal anxieties and fears, so in the grieving process
that I'm experiencing now this is part of it. Unselfishly apart from
that I just love him so much and miss him so much and think of him all
the time, I can't go anywere even stay at home (I'm now at a new
address) without getting constant reminders of his life, I can't pass
a tree or a park where we have been walking since arriving here that
we used to stop at, without crying, I can express grief pretty openly
and weep in public, Ive gone into some parks this weekend and yelled
his name out at the top of my voice HAMLET!!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I
desperately want to find him, yet I know that he won't be there and
then I walk back home in a total state of depression (aside from
Hamlet Ive been diagnosed by my doctor with reactive depression for
the last six months (breakup-with Anne --lost money on stockmarket,
two factors not the only ones) he was in good health up untill
recently I failed to notice any deterioration in his kidneys (Ive
since found out that can often happen--for the kidneys can go alright
to they are ready to collapse) over the last few weeks he had been
drinking more water than usual and then had begun to go off his
food--I was thinking it may be a change of address and that he would
pick up (never assume, as I now know) anyway some nights he'd eat
okay--then last week he wouldn't eat without me hand feeding him then
only a little bit--so I took him to the vet (and he should have gone a
lot sooner--and will feel guilty about this for the rest of my life) I
didn't even know it was kidney's to the vet told me--and what I
thought was a routine visit was not--the vet examined him--took a
urine sample and said that he would die within one to two weeks-I
broke down and cried I said I'll do anything to save him--as an effort
to save his life he was put on dialysis and had anabolic steroid
injection, even a Reikki massage person was working on him over three
days----while that was happening I spent the nights wandering the
streets crying praying to to God to save him, even went down to the
vets place at 3am in the morning and stood outside and prayed to God
to save him--the vet felt their was no hope I said I will try
everything just try and save him---he said I will give him three days
if he doesn't improve and the tests show him getting worse, I may
operate and if I do so I want your understanding that I may have to
put him down---I agreed--Friday morning came I went down (had been
visiting twice per day before that) and he said no he was getting
worse--I broke down again (Anne I notified the day before and she was
at the vets office on Thursday and we got Hamlet out of the cage at
the back and we were hugging and kissing him (both mum and dad) he
looked fairly well groggy but was standing and we told him we loved
him so much---I kept whispering in his ears and stroking his fur.)
Anyway this was Friday and the vet said he would do some exploratory
surgery in the afternoon---hugged and kissed Hamlet all over his
body--went back home stayed about an hour went back again and said I'd
like to take him for a walk--the vet said fine--so off we went down a
sidestreet near the vet---(meanwhile over the three days I rang other
people I knew and I have some net acquaintances too--they were all
sending him positive messages----I was trying to heal him mentally.)
when we got down the street a bit he was doing his normal thing
snooping bushes--I yelled out Hamlet this is the whole wide world I
love you so much I love you----I called him he came to me I knelt
down--on one occasion our eye gaze held for a full 30 seconds as I
talked with him--he sat beautifully on the footpath---he put his head
on my shoulder and whimpered a bit (he knew) I stroked him and held
him jsut told him over and over again how much dad loved him and mum
did too--and that wherever he went we would always be there---I said
Hamlet you and me forever---just I love you and love you over and over
and over again--we got up he walked a little way in front of me---I
called him back again with my arms wide open---I love you!!!!--he came
back I hugged him again stroked him--really held him close---ssaid
never mind my darling----I want you to fight this Hamlet dads
orders----fight it--we then walked back to the vets office---I put him
back in the cage awaiting the operation, hugged and kissed him
again---I closed the door several tmes was about to go and each time
opened it again to hug and kiss him some more--was then going to leave
again-I ened up sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the cage
and stroking his paws---then I sang him "Rock a bye baby" in a very
soothing voice, he began to tire and he rested his head down, my last
sight of him was just a very mournfull Hamlet with his eyes half
closed---I walked out and kept turning as I did.
The vet performed the operation and at 4pm he rang me and said they
were completely shot and he could not be saved--I begged the vet to do
anything that he could--he said there was nothing he could do--I need
your permission to put him down--I said yes.
I then put the phone down and just cried and cried and cried, I am not
much better now---just as upset two days later, decided to have him
cremated and I'm keeping the ashes---Ive rung various people and all
have offered condolences and various ways to cope with Hams
death---none of it really works---he was too special I'm afraid--loved
him too much--and now he has gone--we had a whole futiure mapped
out---him and dad against the world and now he is not part of that---I
feel his spirit and talk to him still---his spirit sits behind me I
definitely sense it and Ive said to him that he is welcome with
me--and just like I said before we are together eternally and where he
goes I go--and not to be frightened and he can stay with me and scoot
in and out to heaven whatever he want to do---I tell his spirit I love
you Hamlet.